Driving merrily along the M8 in Scotland. I swerve around a large piece of wooden debris at 70 mph straddling the right and middle lanes. Checking the rearview mirror I see others doing the same. Thinking quickly, I toss the mobile phone to my wife and tell her to dials 999 (the UK’s 911)

Her end of the conversation sounds like this…

“Yes, hello. I’d like to report debris on the road, we’re on the M8 heading west towards Edinburgh and have just passed the… what? I’m sorry…. I don’t understand you. You want what from me?” (Then to me) “She wants to know if I want police, fire or ambulance?”

“Police,” I say, irritated that the operator cannot figure it out.

“Police.” (Short silence) “Yes, hello there is a pile of debris in the roadway… what? My name is xxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx…” (Pause) “There is debris in the roadway… What? My mobile phone number? Do you not have it there on your screen?” (caller ID) “Then why do I need to repeat it? Aarrgh 079xx xxx xxx!” (long silence). My wife is Dutch and rarely gets angry on the phone.

“What’s going on?” I ask…

“She’s connecting me to the police.”

I’d hate to think how long this would take if it were a real emergency…

What was happening in her ear was a series of dispatch clicks and whirs and as she started again to speak, the operator needed to repeat to the other operator all of the information she had just given… “connecting mobile number 079xx xxx xxx, you are speaking to Mrs. Campbell.

“How can I help you?” she finally heard in her ear.

“Yes there is debris…” (same story with all detail). He asked for her address.

She looked at me and said, “they want my address?!?!?!?”

Having had enough for both of us, I screamed across into the phone, “just send a damned police car before someone is killed out here!” I then said to hang up.

And that is how emergency calls are handled across the UK.

I read where in Houston someone lost consciousness in his car and the police and ambulance drivers sounded their sirens in short bursts to get an audible fix via the 911 operator and ended up saving the guy’s life. Here he’d be dead because he could not tell the operator he needed an ambulance.

If you think I exaggerate, a hospital here has more serious problems. The UK Telegraph reported the following about the decision to wheel-clamp (Denver boot) ambulances parked outside the hospital… I could not make this up.

Managers at King’s College Hospital in SE London say the vehicles have been exceeding the time limit in ambulance bays. The privately-owned ambulances, which carry non-emergency patients, are charged a £50 release fee.

A spokesman for the respected teaching hospital said they have to ensure traffic can flow freely around the site.

A man who had to drive his neighbour to the hospital after he was told there was no transport available said he arrived to find “a row of clamped ambulances”.

John Garvin, from East Dulwich, south London told The Daily Mail: “I just couldn’t believe it. My neighbour was in massive distress and we had to walk past this row of ambulances.

“These are ambulances are clamped by people who must work for the hospital. It is absolutely absurd.”

The ambulances are owned by the private contractor Caring For You, and carry non-emergency patients who are unable to drive or access public transport.

A spokesman for the King’s College Hospital NHS Foundation Trust said the contractor had been issued with parking guidelines allowing them to park in a designated drop-off zone for an hour.

“Unfortunately, some drivers have not been following these guidelines,” he said. “This causes problems with access for other vehicles which are dropping off and collecting patients, and impedes access to the hospital for emergency vehicles.

“Despite frequently raising this issue with CFY, the problem has persisted. King’s therefore has reluctantly taken the decision to start clamping CFY vehicles when drivers do not follow the guidelines.”

Caring For You said it would be inappropriate to comment.

Dryly British to the end…