By Charley James
Insiders at the E! cable network have leaked word that Mitt and Ann Romney will star in a new reality show, Big Rich Romney, scheduled to launch in early 2013. Taping begins Nov. 7, the day after the election when, a source confirms, “Mitt need a job because Ann won’t let him use any more of his stock portfolio for them to live on.”
“We’re not at university anymore!” the candidate’s wife reminds network officials, “and his old partners at Bain won’t let him back in because they say he gives greed a bad name.”
Although a spot in the E! schedule has yet to be firmed up, programmers are looking at Friday night. Joan Rivers’ popular Fashion Police would be moved up one hour to 9PM with Big Rich Romney airing at 10:00.
“We need to give the show as strong a lead-in as possible,” an E! source says, “because by January people probably aren’t going to want to see much of Romney and his Stepford family.”
The series will be co-produced by Mark Penn and James Carville, both senior advisors to Hillary Clinton’s unsuccessful 2008 presidential campaign, who are said to still be angry that Barack Obama defeated her. The pair “wants to keep other failed Obama challengers in the spotlight,” people close to both men assert.
“Hillary got to be Secretary of State after Obama won,” a Carville intimate reports, adding, “That’s not a route open to Romney since his foreign trips and speeches during the campaign offended many of the countries the US tries to maintain cordial relations with.”
Spokespeople at NBCUniversal, which owns the E! network, refuse to confirm or deny the persistent Big Rich Romney rumors. But other usually reliable sources reveal that basic story lines for the first six episodes have been approved by NBC’s chief executive, Jeff Zucker.
Episode 1 – Ann is confused by an invitation to speak at a Tea Party rally and is upset when she shows up wearing white gloves but everyone else is in a white sheet. Mitt gets stuck in the car elevator at the family’s new California home.
Episode 2 – Mitt visits England and asks Queen Elizabeth if her Corgi’s ride on the roof of her Rolls Royce when she goes to Windsor Palace. Ann frets that her golden years will be a struggle with only $100-million in an IRA. Upon returning from Britain, Mitt gets stuck in the car elevator at the family’s new California home.
Episode 3 – Mitt loses the ATM card from one of his Swiss bank accounts and wonders if one of their sons took it. Ann asks friends why the gardener at their Massachusetts home speaks Spanish so well. Mitt gets stuck in the car elevator at the family’s new California home.
Episode 4 – Shopping for new magic underwear for Mitt, Ann slaps a sales clerk for wearing a button proclaiming, “Proud To Be A 47%-er!” Donald Trump visits unexpectedly to show Mitt the best way to comb his hair. Mitt gets stuck in the car elevator at the family’s new California home showing Trump how it works.
Episode 5 – At the country club, Mitt bumps into the Koch brothers and they bemoan how old fashioned American values are disappearing. David Koch says ruefully, “I remember when $100-million was more than enough to buy me a president.” After lunch at the club, Mitt gets stuck in the car elevator at the family’s new California home. Ann gets mad when a rival accuses her of being like Leona Helmsley, barking back, “Leona cheated on her taxes, we just don’t pay any. There’s a big difference, bitch!” and throws a glass of 1907 Heidseick champagne on the woman.
Episode 6 – Mitt appears as a guest on Joel McHale’s The Soup on where his campaign gaffes are “The Clip of the Week.” Ann walks off the set of Chelsea Lately after host Chelsea Handler reminds Ann that she’s half-Mormon “but my dad isn’t nearly as crazy as your husband.” Trying to figure out McHale’s jokes confuses Mitt, resulting in him getting stuck in the car elevator at the family’s new California home when he returns from the taping.
Sources say Mitt and Ann each will be paid more than $1-million for the series but add that the network is confident it will make money off the couple.
“It’s a natural,” insists a close friend of NBC executive Zucker. “Along with Big Rich Texas and Most Eligible Dallas, E! is showing America that even wealthy people can act like trailer trash.
“Besides, other than the size of their bank accounts, there’s no real difference between Ann Romney and Honey Boo Boo’s mother.”
Follow Charley on Twitter @SuddenlyHomeles.
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(STOP IT! This is hard! -Tongue-in-cheek Ed.)