100 Funniest Things We’ve Read in a CV – Part 2

by Nathan Lloyd
Response Online Recruitment 

Last Friday we listed the first 50 of the funniest things we’ve read in a CV which included someone listing an achievement as sober, another listed their skills as speaking Italian and Spinach and someone else stating they were a ‘rabid’ typist.

Below is another collection of 50 classic CV faux pas, enjoy!

51. JOB HISTORY – “Promoted to area manger to oversee 37 storefronts.”

52. KEY SKILLS – “I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”

53. COVER LETTER – “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”

54. EMAIL ADDRESS – dumbblonde@…….

55. AWARDS – “National record for eating 23 pancakes in 2 minutes”

56. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Child care provider, organised activities; prepared lunches and snakes”

57. KEY SKILLS – “Good people skills, except when people get on my nerves.  Which is hardly ever, no more often than once every ten minutes. ”

58. COVER LETTER – “I’m submitting the attached copy of my CV for your consumption.”

59. ACHIEVEMENTS – “Planned building of new building  at £2.5 million over budget.”

60. KEY SKILLS – “I am very used to working with thigh schedules.”

61. COVERING LETTER – “looking for a party-time position.”

62. KEY SKILLS – “I am quick at typing, about 30 word pers minute, 45 with strong coffee.”

63. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”

64. KEY SKILLS – “I am a tiger when needed, but otherwise a pussycat.”

65. NUMBER OF DEPENDENTS -  “40″

66. REASON FOR LEAVING – “I din’t give the company my full effort and received no chance of carer advancement in return.”

67. COVER LETTER -  “I host a superlative proficiency for resolving complex systematic problems. I have pedagogic expertise conducting sales, and I can be quickly utilized as an assiduous, visceral and proactive problem solver.”

68. REFERENCES - “Clare” (We might need a little more info)

69. KEY SKILLS – “Very experienced with out-house computers.”

70. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Responsibilities included recruiting, interviewing and executing final candidates.”

71. CURRENT SALARY – “£28,000. Salary desired: £170,000.”

72. KEY SKILLS – “I am a great team player I am”

73. PERSONAL PROFILE – “I’m a lean, mean, marketing machine”

74. REASON FOR LEAVING – “Company insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”

75. HOBBIES – “Running, editing video, cooking, writing and wondering”

76. COVER LETTER - “I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company.”

77. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Dispensed medication and passed out.”

78. JOB TITLE – “Ass. Manager.” (Possibly meant assistant manager?  At least I hope so.)

79. KEY SKILLS – “Being bilingual in 3 languages.”

80. COVER LETTER – “Dear Sir/Modem.”

81. KEY SKILLS – “My qulifications include close atention to detail.”

82. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Worked in a office where I carried out my own accountant.”

83. COVER LETTER – “Sorry for any incontinence.”

84. GAP IN CV – “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”

85. DESIRED POSITION – “Profreader.”

86. KEY SKILLS – “Grate communication skills.”

87. COVER LETTER – “Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

88. KEY SKILLS – “I supervise employees with the iron fist!”

89. COVER SKILLS -  “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”

90. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Please note from my CV I have 6 years buying, negotiating and sock-control experience”

91. COVER LETTER -”I’m submitting my CV to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience”

92. KEY SKILLS – “Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.”

93. HOBBIES – “Relaxing with family and friends watching action movies”

94. PERSONAL PROFILE – “I wasn’t born – my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.”

95. REASON FOR LEAVING – “Responsibility makes me nervous”

96. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Whilst working in the hairdressers I had to deal with a lot of old biddies”

97. SKILLS – “I have a lot of integrity so I promise not to steal office supplies and take them home.”

98. EDUCATION – “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”

99. COVER LETTER – Why should you employ me?  I bring doughnuts on Friday.”

100. WORK EXPERIENCE – ““Filing, billing, printing and coping.”

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(Our personal favourite: 71. CURRENT SALARY – “£28,000. Salary desired: £170,000.” -Ed.)

Nathan Lloyd has written for several websites and newspapers for nearly 10 years. His initial focus was on football (soccer) and he still write articles on his beloved Wolverhampton Wanderers for Shoot magazine and regularly appear on the TV channel Sports Tonight Live discussing all things football!

He works with Response/Coburg Banks writing blogs and eGuides on subjects ranging from CV and interview tips to iSnobs – an article all about some people obsessed with everything from apple!

Response Web Recruitment calls themselves the UK’s leading flat-fee recruitment company having saved clients £20m since 2003 by paying one flat fee for each vacancy – regardless of number of recruits they eventually take on.

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